Letters she wrote
by especially now
Summary: That summer she spent her days, missing him, regrettting letting him go.


**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

* * *

><p><span>Letter's she she wrote<span>

That summer after she told him to leave, after she told him he wasn't bringing anything but pain in her life, after she lied, because she was broken and lost, she let him give up on her. He never looked back, the last thing she saw of him that summer was his hurt-stricken face before he walked away, the last touch was when he cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her forehead, the last thing she heard him say to her that summer was _**'I love you and I always will' **_Before he walked out and left her.

She spent the rest of her summer writing, writing him letters. She wrote one every day after the day she told him to leave.

There's 42 letters, that he'll never see, 42 letters of love, 42 letter of pain, 42 letters that will never see the light of day.

Their sat under her bed, in the furthest corner, in a wooden box.

She reaches for the box, gently pulling it out from under her bed, caressing the lid of it, as she felt the gentle material of the box beneath her skin, the material holding in the letters, she keeps sacredly away from other human's eyes. She opened the box. In front of her were the 42 letters scattered messily, she carefully pulled them out and laid them on her crimson rug, as she slowly glanced at the letters before meeting the letter she was looking for.

**Letter #1**

_Dear Puck,_

_I'm sorry. _

_I wish you were here right now._

_Love Quinn._

It was short and simple, she remembers writing it, and like it was yesterday she wrote the letter not 42 days ago. She remembers wanting to write so much more, but not wanting let her emotions get the best of her, she wrote it as simple as possible, crossing out the last line, before folding it in and placing it in the empty box. It was the first of many.

She lets the letter fall into the box, as she picked up the next one.

**Letter #2**

_Puck,_

_This is the second letter; I don't even know why I'm writing this._

_It's been 2 days, since I've seen you. I'm _sorry_!_

_Well I hope you're ok. _

_Love Quinn._

This one she wrote before she went to bed, she liked the idea of writing him letters. She didn't know why, but she did.

She put back the second letter in the box, before picking up letter 3.

**Letter #3**

_Dear puck,_

_I really do miss you and it's only been 3 days._

_You haven't even called. I bet you've given up on me._

_Bet your out every night partying, or hooking up with Santana or some cougar, Now that you're not with me. _

_I'm sorry!_

_Quinn _

That night she tortured herself, by thinking of puck and other girls, it pained her and she didn't know why!

**Letter #4**

_Dear Puck,_

_I found your t-shirt today; it's your grey one. The one I love on you, the one that when you wear I can follow the outline of your biceps, the one that hugs on tight, so that it fits perfectly and I can see the trace your abs. I'm sorry. I should give it back. _

_I think…I still miss you._

_Quinn._

She remembers that night perfectly well, she fell asleep with his shirt clutched to her chest, with a few tears that slipped from her eyes, she regretted letting herself cry, because to her that showed weakness, and Quinn fabray was anything but weak.

**Letter #5**

_Puck,_

_I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._

_Quinn._

The 5th night without him, she cried, she let her emotions get to her and she hated her, she hated him, she hated the fact that he could make her feel like a vulnerable little girl, she hated the fact that she didn't hate him.

**Letter #6**

_I wish I could hate you; it would make life a lot easier._

_But I don't, I don't know what I feel for you._

_I just know that, know that you're not here with me I feel empty, like there's a part of me missing._

_I miss you._

_Love Quinn._

She cried while she wrote the 6th letter, she didn't know why, but she cried, maybe it was because she was finally letting her walls down and feel.

**Letter #7**

_It's been a week, since you've gone; it's my fault that you're gone._

_But you didn't even fight for me… not even once. You've given up on me haven't you?_

_Maybe it was for the best._

_**Letter #8**_

_Puck,_

_I was listening to the radio and Beth came on, I cried myself to sleep, I wish you were here with me today; you would've been able to tell me everything was ok, even though it isn't? You would've held me while I cried. You would've said something stupid to just make me smile. You would've kissed me to make me forget the pain, but most of all you've been there with me, so I can share the pain with someone, even if I didn't talk, knowing you were there would've made me feel better, I really miss you, and it's starting to get to me?_

_Why do I miss your presence? Why do I miss you?_

_Quinn_

**Letter #9**

_I miss the way you kissed my neck, when I'm sleeping. _

_And, when you make your smart-ass comments about me._

_Fuck you, puck, just fuck you! Stop making me miss you!_

_Quinn._

**Letter #10**

_Dear puck,_

_I sat by the phone waiting for your call today, I don't know why. I miss your voice, especially the times when you used to whisper in my ear, I miss the feel of your breath of my neck, and I miss you. It's hard not to._

_Quinn_

**Letter #11**

_This letter thing is so stupid. I try to write how I feel in them, but I just can't. It's as bad as saying it to your face. I don't even know how I feel, it's weird, I shouldn't be missing you, you were just a hitch In my life, you aren't supposed to mean something, so why am I missing you? Why do I feel like crying when i remember you're gone? Why is it that for the past few days you're the only person think about? Why is it that thinking of you and other girls together, makes me sick to my stomach? Please just help me understand, why I feel like this? I don't understand why?_

_I hate you for making me feel all this, __I hate you for making me want to feel._

_-Q_

**Letter #12**

_I saw your truck today, outside the supermarket, I stopped and stared at it for like 10 seconds, it's like in those 10 seconds, and all the memories of us were thrown back in my face. It made me remember the night, after we left Beth at the hospital, we sat in the truck for an hour, not saying anything, you just cradling me in your arms while I cried, kissing my hair, I'm sure I even saw you tear up a bit, but I'm not sure anymore, you were really strong that night, not once did I see you cry, you were my wall that day, without you I would've fell, I would've been mess, hell that's what I am now, I still miss her, do you? Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing. Then I tell myself we did, I keep repeating it in my head, trying to convince myself we did. I bet she's happy, I bet she has your eyes and my hair. God dammit, Puck, why do you make me think of her?_

_-Quinn_

**Letter #13**

_I miss our little quarrels. You really did make me smile. Maybe it's because I could act like myself next to you._

_I miss you singing to me at times. I miss our little jam sessions._

_But most of all I miss you?_

_You make me question why I even let you go._

_Q_

**Letter #14**

_Thanks for ruining my life. Just fucking thank you._

_You can take your fucking love with you or whatever; I don't even know why I thought you meant something. You clearly mean nothing at all. NOTHING!_

_I don't even know why I'm writing this shit to you, you're just an asshole, can't believe I had a fucking kid with you, I am so fucking glad I gave her up! You just don't care about anyone but yourself. You're a dickhead and I hate you! _

_p.s. you're a dick and I rather have bacon instead of you_

_Q_

She read the other few letters, knowing they didn't have much written in them except spiteful words towards puck.

**Letter #25**

_My previous letters have been nothing been hate to you because to be honest, it's better to pretend to hate you. _

_Do you even know how hard it is for me, to say I feel something for you? Something I don't even know! You weren't supposed to be in my life, you were just supposed to be Finn's best friend. I and Finn were supposed to be together forever, I know if you read this now, you'd laugh at that cliché. But it's so fucking true, I was the head cheerleader, he was the quarterback, we were destined to be together, and then you came along and ruined everything! Why did you have to look at me that night, why did you have to talk to me? Why did you have to make me feel like a little girl talking to her first crush? _

_Do you want to know, why I was so pissed off at you? Santana._

_She was all up in my face, talking about your nights… and I believed her! Just the mention of you two together makes me sick. It wasn't until Brittany told me, Santana made up half of it to make me jealous. I ignored the part when she said, it's because we have something special. I ignored her because Brittany is always saying stupid things._

_She also asked me, when I gave birth, how long did it take for the egg to crack? _

_Quinn_

_P.s. I'm sorry!_

**Letter #26**

_Puck,_

_I still miss you. I should've stopped missing you. I'm the one that told you to move on and go. So why am I the one suffering the consequences?_

_Why am I not happy? Now, that you're gone I can regain my popularity, life, everything. But why does it feel like nothing, none of them can take your place, why does it feel like me pushing you away was the worst decision I've made so far? _

_I don't even know why I bother to write these letters, it's not like you'll ever see them… it's not like I'll ever get answers._

_Quinn._

**Letter #27**

_I saw your mum and your sister today; I didn't know how to act or what to say. Sarah ran straight for me, she gave me a hug, she even apologised, for not coming to see me, I laughed, Sarah apologising was a shock, but most importantly I was scared to see your mum, I haven't spoken to her for nearly a month, she didn't seem angry, she didn't seem to hate me, though she seemed upset, she hugged me as well, but I couldn't bear to look into her eyes, they're just like yours! I nearly choked on a sob when I did meet her gaze. The thing that caught me off guard was when she said 'Noah misses you, he hasn't been out late at night a lot, he just sits in his room, playing cod or with his guitar, you were good for him Quinn' she said. I didn't even know how to reply. I just nodded. I was sure I was going to fall into tears. But Quinn Fabray doesn't show weakness to anyone but herself and__ Noah Puckerman. __She also invited me over for a barbeque, but I declined, I can't face you, right now. My feelings are a mess, and I just don't know. _

_I do miss your mum and Sarah__. I also still miss you, unfortunately. _

**Letter #30**

_Why do I still have all your songs on my IPod? You've finally got me listening to classical rock, remember the times, when I was pregnant and you'd make me listen to your music and I hated it, but now I actually like them? Weird right._

_I miss you voice, the way you would sing to any song on the radio, or hum to songs in your head. _

_-Quinn_

She put the letter back in the box, humming to his favourite song, it gave her chills.

She read the next two letters, both similar to the 30th letter. She dropped them back in the box and picked up the next.

**Letter# 33**

_Puck,_

_Is it weird to feel lost? Every time I think about you something weird happens to me, I can't quite word it. I don't know how to explain this feeling it's weird! But I'm just going to ignore it, it's easier, than feeling, because than you can't get hurt. Acknowledging it means giving in to that feeling and with those come chances, chances of getting hurt. And I would rather feel nothing than feel hurt. _

_Like, that time I found you were sexting Santana, I got hurt! I don't know why, but I let myself feel something for you that time, and look where it got me? It got me hurt! I don't think I can trust you, so I'm just going to ignore this feeling._

_-Q_

**Letter #34**

_Why can't I ignore this feeling? You're like in my head 24/7 and I hate it. Maybe giving up on you was a mistake? Or maybe it was for the best._

_Everything I do, reminds me of you, maybe it's because everywhere I look, there is a memory of us, like my bathroom, in the first week of summer, I left the tap on, and it flooded the whole bathroom, we both we went in there and I was about to slip, so I grabbed on to your shirt, taking you down with me, we ended getting all wet. My wall, we were arguing, and I threw a stuffed bear at you, and it hit the wall instead, and the next minute we were making out there. All these memories keep flooding my head and I don't know why? I should've forgotten about them and YOU by now. Our 'history' should be erased from my mind. But here it is like it all happened yesterday._

_-Quinn._

**Letter #35**

_That picture of me, you and Beth popped out from nowhere today._

_It made me cry._

_I really miss her._

_I wish we could talk about it._

_But it's like a taboo._

_At least I can now eat bacon in peace. _

_I still do miss you_

_-Quinn._

She read the other letters that were like little notes.

**Letter #39**

_Do you ever think about me? I think about you._

_-Q_

**Letter #40**

_Goddammit puck, why does it have to be you?_

_Out of everyone it has to be you._

_It had to be you to fucking make me feel like I can be happy, make me feel wanted, make me feel like I mean something and not a just a trophy or piece of rubbish for my parents, make me feel like Quinn Fabray, Not Quinn Fabray the head cheerleader._

_Why couldn't I feel more like towards someone else?_

-Q

**Letter #41**

_Puck,_

_Brittany came over today, and she randomly blurted out that she thinks I love you._

_What the fuck right? I don't love you._

_Well I cant._

_Whatever_

_I hate you._

_Thank god, you'll never read these letters. _

**Letter #42**

_I DON'T LOVE YOU, OK?_

_I CANT STAND YOU? GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD, PLEASE?_

_QUINN FABRAY._

She put down the last letter she wrote, the one she wrote yesterday, she placed it back in the box with the other ones. She budged the box to the side, getting up to get a paper and pen before settling back down on the floor.

She started writing her last letter to him.

**Letter #43**

_Noah,_

_It feels weird calling you Noah, but that's who you are when you're with me. And that's the person I have feelings for, yes I am finally admitting it to myself, ignoring the feeling was hard because it wouldn't go away, but that's what me and you do best, we take the easy route out, we likenthe route, the one where our feeling don't get involved. But in this mess, you did._

_When at the hospital you said 'Yes, especially now' to me, something happened to me on the inside, my heart started beating faster, I was scared. Scared of loving you back, because to be honest, I was scared if I loved you, you'll one day leave, and your love will go, I was scared of letting myself open up, because I haven't felt like this for anyone before. Not even finn._

_I want to say I'm sorry! I'M SO SORRY! I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, I'm sorry for pushing you away, I'm sorry for letting my doubts get the best of me. I'm sorry for not giving us a chance, I'm sorry for letting you walk away. I'm sorry for not being there with you along the way. I'm sorry for giving her away. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry for calling you all those names in the letters wrote. But most of all, I'm sorry that I never said anything back._

_Over this summer I realised something and I've got my answers to all the questions I asked._

_I once read a quote somewhere, where it said '__**you don't choose who you love**__' But I disagree, I chose you puck! From the beginning, I chose you to lose my virginity with, the whole 'wine coolers' thing was a lame excuse for me not feel bad and blame it all on you, because that was the easiest thing to do. But I chose you. I chose you to break down my walls. I chose you to allow me to love._

_So Noah puckerman, Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there for me when no one was. Thank you for trying. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for Listening. But this one time, I wish you didn't listen, I wish you would've grabbed me, and kissed the stupid thought out of my head. But you did the opposite you left, I know I always said to you ' if you love someone, you should let them fly' and that's what you did. But I was wrong. _

_All those times, I missed you, missed your kisses, talks, songs, and overall just missed you. I didn't know I was lost. I didn't know what I was feeling. But know I know why, I craved your touch, your voice, you!_

_It's because I fucking LOVE you. I love you. I love you and your hideous mohawk, the way you smile when your with me, the way stick up for me... I LOVE YOU!  
><em>

_And know it's too late and you'll never know that I love you back. You'll never know I spent have my summer, missing you, thinking about you, writing you letters. _

_Because tomorrow is the first day back to school and I will see you after 43 days and I will walk past you, like nothing happened, I will ignore that little voice in my head that will tell me to go jump in your arms and kiss you endlessly. I will ignore that feeling I will get in my stomach when I look at you, as nothing. I will ignore my feelings, because that's what I'm best at... I'm Quinn Fabray. But when I'm with you, my walls break down you make me happy, you make me smile, a smile that can light up a room. But I'm going to ignore that sensation. Because from tomorrow, I am going to act like nothing ever happened between us, and I will walk down those halls with my head held high. Like the Head cheerleader, Head Bitch!_

_I will always love you. Too bad it's too late._

_I miss you and I always will._

_Love Quinn Fabray._

_P.S. In the last letter I opened up to you, on the last day I realised I love you, why does fate hate us so much._

With that she dropped her pen, and let a tear slip by dropping on her paper causing an inky smudge, she didn't care. She threw paper into the box, before pushing right back under her bed. She let herself cry that night. Cry all her feelings out because from tomorrow, she's going to ignore them all.

She's going to let herself build those walls again, so doesn't get hurt again. Because every time she feels something, it ends up hurting her.


End file.
